There is a place of deep contentment that HBMan and I share.
Despite time constraints.
Despite sad happenings around us.
Despite busy times.
Despite unfulfilled wishes and need.
This is the core of what D/s is, in my opinion. Perhaps it is the core for many in their vanilla relationships too; I’ve just never experienced it without power exchange.
It is rooted in love and passion and concern and care and respect. It is being together without being actually being able to touch.
I don’t really have te right words tonight. You know how it is? Some nights the thoughts and words and images simply flow. They pop into your head as if they’ve always been there, lurking in the shadows.
Not tonight. Tonight I feel absolutely still. Words and eloquence left. But I have one image, front and centre in my mind.
Torn open and dark inside. Notice how she is inflicting the wounds herself. Her fingers tearing the layers apart, her insides exposed. Empty.
And she stands before the observers, utterly vulnerable and wounded. Unable to erase the darkness, to prevent the pain that will surely register in but a moment.
Her breath suspended. Waiting for pain to hit. But this image isn’t about what happens when it hits. It’s that moment of dark silence right before it sears through flesh.
This too shall surely pass.
It’s so strong, but so fragile at the same time… this love…this want…this need of each other.
Today has been a blue Monday disguised as a Tuesday. I have been feeling very frustrated and not at all happy with how some things are going at work.
I was fretting and anxious, wanting very badly to hide under my bed.Then He messaged, totally oblivious as to what had been happening during my work morning.
He greeted me simply.
He said: Hello Mine.
And it all settled. Inside of me the churning stopped and it all became quiet.
I simply needed to be reminded that, despite all that happens in my day, I am cherished, loved and safe.
The rest are details.
The words He uses have a meaning quite different to that which others might attach to them.
It didn’t just happen so, randomly, but has been the topic of many discussions between us. It means that He understands my heart and mind, and have peeked into my needs deeply enough to know a part of me very few will ever get to see.
Inside of Him is the other side of my own need. While He might not feel comfortable with others knowing He uses these words on me, His girl, to us, it forms a beautifully complete and safe circle.
This morning while spending a lovely time together, I was struggling within my own body and mind. He used those words powerfully. As they reverberated inside my head, I felt the answering flood inside of me. It released me, loosened me to react and express my desire and need, not as society expects, but inhibited and passionate, as our dynamic demands.
His words does not degrade me. They free me.
Today i sent HBMan a note. Just because.
In it, I just expressed my gratitude to Him for us.
I called Him my Friend.
He responded, perhaps curiously. And it made me rethink things too. He responded by noting He always thinks of owning me, but never that He is also mine.
Later when we spoke, He elaborated, saying that I was His toy, His possession. <insert warm fuzzy feelings> I realised that we are each other’s but different. He isn’t my toy, I don’t see Him as a possession.
The whole afternoon my mind has been busy trying to figure out How it is the same but different. I’m still busy piecing it together.
So, for now, I am happy that He is mine, like I am His. Same But Different.
Today HBMan seemed different right from the first message He and I exchanged.
I can’t say how different. I just knew immediately He was different.
So, I asked whether He was ok. He replied that He was.
What followed can only.be described as a disasterous conversation. It ended with His frustration levels rising while I sat and cried.
I knew I wasn’t to blame but I could also see His effort to not hurt me. And so I gave Him an ‘put’ saying I needed to go and do something.
A short while later, He replied with a wry little joke, I saw it as the effort to come closer that it was and we got to the heart of the matter. All is well and we realised how sensitive we are to each others moods.
But it showed me more.
I’ve always maintained that the hardest part for me in a D / s dynamic is not obedience. It’s not limits or tasks. It’s being vulnerable. Being open.
Actually, it’s more…Remaining vulnerable when you can see the Other is off-kilter; not shutting down to try and protect yourself. That is what is difficult.
And while I felt myself closing, and telling Him that it’s OK and that I’ll sort xxx out myself, feeling very alone and vulnerable, the second He showed a hint of wanting to right the balance, I didn’t hold onto it. I believed that He really wasn’t going to hurt me. And I could embrace it. That is progress, isn’t it?
It might have stayed a disasterous conversation, but it didn’t.
Why didn’t it?
Because He doesn’t want to hurt me and I don’t want to shut down.
Slow steps. Solid. Important.