He tells me to kneel…

And I fall to the ground.

Posture perfect:

legs spread wide

sitting back on my heels.

back straight

hands open and turned upward on my thighs

head straight

but eyes down

And in those moments when He stands before me, the world stops.

The noise fades away.

Problems dissolve.

Everything is into crisp, clear focus:

I am who I am meant to be, when He is who He is meant to be.

Of holidays, travels and anxieties.

The day I realised the power of embracing my submissive nature still stands out in my memory. The great strides I’ve made in becoming authentic in my life as a whole is one of the great joys in my life. I like that I like myself and feel comfortable in my skin.

This week, however, was a challenge. But first some context:

my HBM and I have had a really challenging time since early December; not in our commitment and love, but in finding time alone. Holidays are never easy but this time it is feeling way longer than ever before. Being with family really shook me in ways I am still processing. Perhaps the aspect I still carry the heaviest on, is knowing that they simply aren’t interested in knowing or understanding my choices. I always think that people accept things when they understand them. But I realised they aren’t going to be willing to make an effort any time soon. I am working on accepting that.

Adding to that internal processing, I had to undertake a business trip to an area I haven’t been before. Easy right?

I need to add here that my mom suffers from OCD and more than a touch of Agoraphobia. I knew I had one or two issues, but this trip highlighted the extent of my own anxieties. Something as seemingly simple as appearing at the correct gate at the airport had me double checking the boards and boarding pass not once or twice or even six or seven times.

Working out the time to arrive at said gate was even worse and although being absolutely sure of the time, it was all I could think if, working out the times over and over and over again. By the time I arrived in the new city I was emotionally exhausted. This has been my past two days and in a while I will find my way back to the airport.

Add that level of anxiety to what I am feeling as the loosening of His control as a natural outflow of the lack of time together and the after-effects of the holiday-family-realisations. I am feeling quite anchorless, as if the peace and acceptance and liking myself that I had before is stuck behind a clear glass wall and I’m unable to access it.

It worries me that my method of trying to find some solid ground is needing pain and the desire to cut is the strongest it’s been in years. I haven’t but I am constantly aware of its siren call.

An untangled ramble. Writing it helped somewhat to untangle it. Soon it will be ok. I know this. I can see I have some work to do before I get back on sure footing. But I will.

 

Reflection

Today, is another anniversary of the day my partner lost His life to cancer.

A sad day.

A day of remembering.

Of celebrating His life and mourning the loss of Him.

It is complicated. my HBM was His best friend.

During His illness, He told me wanted me to find Someone worthy.

I did.

He told me to find Someone who will care for me and keep me safe; treat me as someone special.

I did.

He told me to find Someone who would nurture me as a woman and a submissive.

I did.

So, while His death leaves me with sadness and loss, it also brought me my HBM.

Complicated feelings.

So, I imagine myself floating above all of this and feeling only the simplest and most honest of emotions. And it is of gratitude. He left me. But He left me my greatest treasure… His best friend. My Dominant. My Lover. My best friend.

Fears and Disconnect.

Disconnected, except for one tender strand. Not by choice and in our control to change right now.

My biggest fear?

That He will see life is less complex without me. And that He prefers that.

I don’t doubt His love. I don’t doubt His care.

I worry that He will have the energy to continue as we were before the holiday.

I feel anchorless.

I’ve been here before after such a holiday. I know my HBM isn’t like The Ruler, and yet, I have exactly that same feeling in the pit of my stomach I carried around for a year before the end finally came. I called it. He assured me there was no way my worry would come true….i believed Him, but the feeling didn’t go away and a year later it was done… a slow decline.

And, like then, I have no idea how to remedy it, or how to be … less… more… better… whatever it takes not to repeat history.

Shaken but Strong.

Arriving home from a three week holiday with family and without my HBM, I feel rather worse for wear.

I am privileged in that I am usually surrounded by people who supports my decisions, believe in my dreams and loves me unconditionally. I spend time with my HMB, and count His as my fiercest supporter, never faltering, even when i do. I realised again, these past weeks, how extraordinary the people I have around me daily are.

Constantly needing to protect my heart and my thoughts… needing to tread carefully and weigh my words, and stand back, ignoring the jibes has taken its toll.

I feel needy and emotionally drained.

Perhaps part of growing up is recognising these people for who and what they are, and knowing that their criticism and harshness is not the go-ahead to start doubting myself, but rather a sign that their insecurity doesn’t allow for a world in which other people can be successful in ways they don’t understand.

And that’s ok.

So while I feel shaken, my core is healthy and strong. I am strong because those who is close to me in heart makes me so.

Love is …(9)

… I’ve been thinking of how I can put the deluge of feelings and thoughts into a succinct phrase and the closest I’m getting is: Diamonds.

Or more to the point: the facets that make diamonds shine and sparkle.

Sometimes what we do is a scene. It is formal, steeped in protocol and undercurrents of power exchange running deep.

Sometimes it is a storm of need and desire. Lust pushes us together and pulls us apart. D/s is front and center, and I desire nothing more than for Him to feed and satisfy His needs in any way He so desires.

Also sometimes it’s making love. It’s tender and filled with sensations and pleasures.

However, this weekend we discovered another facet of us. I’m unsure how to articulate it as yet. It was more tender than lovemaking has been. There wasn’t power exchange as much as energy exchange. We drank from each other.

Unplanned, and after a really challenging few weeks behind us, we took a leap closer to each other. Not so much our bodies as our hearts.

Love is….finding more facets to our love for each other.

The Hardest Part of Submission.

It’s not the restrictions He places or the expectations He has of me…

It’s not bearing His pain during play the frustrations that the distance between us bring.

Those I carry… dare I say, easily.

It’s when He listens to my heart and every breath and sigh and worry and joy pouring from it. It’s when He carries my load and gives advice and helps me be strong but then decides to put a wall around His own pain, hurt, problems and thoughts, hidden from me.

That is the most difficult part of submitting.

Because the message is clear: He makes a choice not to include me in His troubles and doesn’t share His burden.

Thing is… I won’t ever demand it. Not because I don’t care, far from it. But because, if these thoughts and worries and hurts are not freely shared, it isn’t my space to intrude upon. I am not angry. I just won’t ever demand more. I’ll ask but after that, it is given or not. I won’t be nagging.

And, being totally fair, sharing feelings isn’t a comfortable place for Him generally and yet He openly and often pours out His thoughts about His love for me. I’m grateful for this. I treasure those words carefully.

But keeping me away from His own thoughts really just fills me with a loneliness that I have no words to articulate.

Is this the place I need to find? That I don’t mind what he shares or not, as long as it is His will?

I don’t know.

What I do know is, the wall is up, the key tucked away. For my own protection, perhaps? I guess so.

I just didn’t expect this wall to exist and now that I know it’s there, I’m not sure how to go about as if it isn’t.

Social Self-doubt and Guilt

People-ing is hard work for me. People can steal my energy and, quite often with it, my desire to express myself creatively.

It took me approximately 36 years to learn this about myself and another 4 or 5 years to find and implement strategies to protect myself against the ill-effects of being drained by people. Mostly I am able to manage the amount and type of social interaction required in a week and I sometimes I simply forget that I am managing it, it feels so natural.

But currently I am finding the managing part extra difficult. Not because it’s the end of the year ( I already have good strategies in place for that) but because of work.

I’m currently busy with a new project. It is taking a lot from me. A lot of thinking, planning and work. But more … a lot of creative thinking, planning and work. I love it! I feel as if the synapses in my brain are working at top speed and l, although challenged and at times downright frustrated, am finding myself totally engrossed and engaged.

However, now I am finding my social capacity to be even smaller. Online friends and acquaintances are asking me where I am, what is wrong. I feel guilty for not feeling a need or even a capacity for social interaction. I am feeling as if I am letting so many people down. These are people I have allowed closer to me and therefore feel a sense of kinship for and responsibility towards.

I’m not neglecting my HBM, however, because of my work, I am feeling tired and have become a little sick. This is having a negative effect on the amount of time we spend together. But He is aware of it, and knows to manage it. And He is the one I take direction from.

How do I express all of this to friends? Should I even? I feel guilty towards my friend, but at the same loving the positives.

As always, people-ing is the hardest part of adulting for me.