It’s not the restrictions He places or the expectations He has of me…
It’s not bearing His pain during play the frustrations that the distance between us bring.
Those I carry… dare I say, easily.
It’s when He listens to my heart and every breath and sigh and worry and joy pouring from it. It’s when He carries my load and gives advice and helps me be strong but then decides to put a wall around His own pain, hurt, problems and thoughts, hidden from me.
That is the most difficult part of submitting.
Because the message is clear: He makes a choice not to include me in His troubles and doesn’t share His burden.
Thing is… I won’t ever demand it. Not because I don’t care, far from it. But because, if these thoughts and worries and hurts are not freely shared, it isn’t my space to intrude upon. I am not angry. I just won’t ever demand more. I’ll ask but after that, it is given or not. I won’t be nagging.
And, being totally fair, sharing feelings isn’t a comfortable place for Him generally and yet He openly and often pours out His thoughts about His love for me. I’m grateful for this. I treasure those words carefully.
But keeping me away from His own thoughts really just fills me with a loneliness that I have no words to articulate.
Is this the place I need to find? That I don’t mind what he shares or not, as long as it is His will?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, the wall is up, the key tucked away. For my own protection, perhaps? I guess so.
I just didn’t expect this wall to exist and now that I know it’s there, I’m not sure how to go about as if it isn’t.